The 5 people You See Partying on Halloween

I want a dog on Halloween, just for this

Most of you are going out to some sort of Halloween party tonight. So for that reason, I’m going to write on the 5 people you will see out tonight!

1. Sexy Kitten – Sexy Kitten, it’s been 364 days and now we are set to meet again. Every single year I see the Sexy Kitten prowling the bars looking for Catnip. She is in all black, whiskers drawn on, and she’s wearing ears that she bought at Spencers earlier that day. I don’t have anything against the Sexy Kitten other than its lack in originality.

2.The Guy Dressed Up as Woman – I don’t know how I feel about this costume, it usually makes me laugh initially then it transitions to creeping me out as the dude wearing the dress gets intoxicated and tries to hit on women. I mean hey to each their own, it’s just not for me.

3.The “Cool” guy who doesn’t dress up – I hate this guy, he is the guy who ruins Halloween the single greatest holiday on earth. Halloween is a time where you can dress up and act like someone completely different from and get away with it because you are wearing a costume you put together hours before. It’s acceptable to be slutty, nerdy, and to get down wearing an animal costume without it being weird. The guy who doesn’t dress up is afraid of looking like an idiot, but without dressing up he ends up being the biggest idiot at the bar. Women want guys who can tastefully laugh at themselves, not the guys who post up at the bar and jaw-flex every time a girl walks by.

4.The guy who’s costume is borderline to good – I love dressing up for Halloween, but I dress up knowing that by the end of the night my costumes will probably have turned into a complete mess. I am okay with it, I am committed to this costume for one night and I expect it to be ruined in the morning. There is always the one guy who spent upwards of $100 on his costume and you can tell. I saw a guy dressed as Shrek and I immediately looked for a donkey to start talking because this guys costume was so good. If you have the time and money, then all the power to you! Just don’t break the bank for a costume that you aren’t willing to break and leave outside a bank.

5. The Group Costume – When a group of friends can actually coordinate a group costume it is a thing of beauty. This can range from a 70’s basketball team, a Rock band, the Jamaican Bobsled team, or the Ninja Turtles.  You might think that some of the group costumes are played out, but there is a reason that you continually see Mario and Luigi and that’s because it’s a sick costume!

For more on the type of people who don’t dress up on halloween take a look at

Sun Never Sets When You’re Cool

10 People You Will See at the Club

 

We’ve all seen them, now lets make fun of them!

1. Blackout Bob – It’s 10 pm; the doors to the bar just openend and the first customer through is none other than Blackout Bob. He’s part of the in crowd, though when it comes to drinking hes an outcast. He gets soo piss drunk that he can barely function throughout the night. He’s slurring his words, hitting on ugly girls and may have a piece of clothing already damaged from his walk to the bar. He will most likely pass out around 11:30 when everyone else decides to show up. Now everytime you leave the dance floor you see a  guy having a nap on the couches. Wish Bob sweet dreams!

2. Uncomfortably Old Guy – Every bar I have been to this happens. I am not talking about the 35 year old guy at the 25 year old bar. I am talking about the 50 year old guy at the 19 year old bar. He’s dressed either way too well or way to poorly. He posts up, usually by himself and creeps visciously. Everytime I see this guy I think he is here to pick up his daughter, but then after I see him try to lure girls in with his cane, ungroomed beard, or pony tail; I realize hes just the uncomfortably old guy.

3.General A. Grabber – General A. Grabber here reporting for Booty Sir! Ya you read it right, this is the guy at the bar who thinks that grabbing women as they walk by is the best way to pick them up. This guy has balls, but hes also probably got some battle wounds from girls responding negatively to this. Count on this guy to get grabbed by the 300 pound bouncer shortly after he goes on his grabbing spree.

4. You Just Got Served – Everyone is dancing, everything is good….but the night is about to get weird. You Got Served is the guy or girl who thinks that their life is a music video. This person is not a dancer, but god damn it on a friday night at midnight they are! They always try a move that they aren’t really talented enough to do, and it usually results in an epic fail. This person does not use their dance moves to pick up women, they are legitimately lost in their own moves.

5. OMG I got my sisters fake – To quote Chris Rock, “If a girl says she 20 and looks 16, shes 12.” Yes there is uncomfortably old guys at the club, but there is also uncomfortably young girls. These girls all drink vodka cranberrys (I know you’re saying all girls drink that), they are piss drunk early, they dance on the risers, they talk to every guy and the best part…they leave at midnight because they all have to get back to Tina’s house before their parents find out.

6. Birthday Princess/Lost My Phone girl – I was going to make these two seperate people, but after looking at it more I realized that it usually is the girl with the stupid tiara on that turns into the girl who is crying about her lost phone later in the night. I am convinced that some girls just wear tiaras out in hope of attention and free drinks. I thought the whole Tiara thing would fade out after your senior year of ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! It’s okay though because the birthday princess who is caught up in her night, is also the same girl who drinks the most. She ends up crying because she lost her phone, and her dad’s going to kill her blah blah. When you ask where it got stolen from, they usually tell you they put it right out in the open. I have limited sympathy for stupidity at the bar. I once saw a girl crying because it was 2 am….Are you Serious??? You can’t fight time! pick your battles!

7. I have Rhinestones on my shirt…that makes me tough – I find I spend a lot of time making fun of the jersey shore wannabes and I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. You all make it too easy. Not only can you smell this douchebag’s cologne before you get in the club, you get in and he nearly blinds you with all the god damn beads on his shirt. His group of friends resembles some weird jungle kingdom all with different beaded animals allover their shirts. These guys say “bro!” more than you thought was possible. They wear sunglasses in the club, they never fight…but every night they almost do. Guys hate you, Girls hate you, Please don’t come out.

8. I just came to get MO – MO stands for Makeout! These are the people that come to the bar and makeout either with one person way to intensly for a bar setting or they make out with multiple people all over the bar. Kissing at the bar you will see everywhere, though it can get carried away and sometimes I feel like I am watching a soft core porno just inside the smoking section.

9.Sargeant Smoker- People smoke, I get it. This is the person who has to go out to the smoking section every 10 minutes for his next nicotine fix. I don’t want to wait in a line to go hangout outside the bar, while you smoke all night. Buy some nicorette and go meet some girls!

10.The Fighting Couple – Last, but definitely not least. Every group of friends has the couple that continually fights in it. To be honest it’s their business and I don’t really care if they duke it out on the regular. I do care when their fighting is brought to the forefront of everyones night and their drama pours out. They say drunk words are sober thoughts…If this is true then these two shouldn’t be together after the debacle you just witnessed.

 

The Real Hangover

 

With the release of Hangover 2 over the past weekend and me being hungover on monday morning I decided to write on real hangovers, which tend to be way less comical.

Your alarm goes off, someone slams the door, or the dreaded sunshine creeps its way into your room. This is how it begins, you are awake laying in your bed and you already have a crucial decision to make: do you get up, grab a cup of water and goto the washroom…or do you go back to sleep because not only are you tired, but the room is spinning and it helps to close your eyes. This will be one of several decisions you will have to make as your hangover continues. The next is to look at your phone and make sure you didn’t do anything stupid. The vulnerablility that washes over you as you check your text inbox is immense. As you finish you realize you didn’t send anything stupid and the satisfaction of small victory is visible on your face. The face fades though, only as your headache gets worse. You head to the kitchen/living room where you see your equally as hungover roommates and you begin to piece together the night. You thought everything went relatively well once you first woke up, then you remember being at a burrito place after the bar singing disney showtoons at the top of your lungs. This performance maybe the highlight of the night, but then something else comes to light. You remind your roommate of the stripper pole that he worked like it was his job. He’s praying to god no pictures surface and you are hoping for the opposite.

After a gatorade each, you and your roommates are ready to face the sun, the city and any surprises that lay in the way between you and Mcdonalds. This journey usually includes running into someone who partied with you the night before and they always have another story to add…”Man it was crazy, when you all took your shirts off and were dancing on stage.'” Ya I guess crazy is one adjective to use to describe that. By now you all have mentioned that you are going to take some time off of drinking and do something to clean up your lives. This is a short lived phenomena as by next friday you will find a way to celebrate something.

The nights that start off as casual social outings where nothing crazy is planned do usually turn into the wildest. The wildest nights often end up leading to the worst mornings. The hangover displays all of your battle wounds. It may be a bad tattoo, a piercing, a large amount of text messages to an ex. Whatever your drunk self did, know that they did it with all the right drunk intentions. 

Embrace the hangover because nobody tells the stories when they’re older of the nights that they got a lot of sleep.

 

Punchable Face of the Week

Lets get this straight right now, I am not for hitting women. Good thing for me I wouldn’t consider her a woman. She resembles more of a drunk/tanned E-wok. Now I know this creature has already been hit once on the T.V. show Jersey Shore. That gave me a little satisfaction, but if I was I Aladdin I would definitely use one of my three wishes to just sock this thing with no reprocutions.