We’ve all seen them, now lets make fun of them!
1. Blackout Bob – It’s 10 pm; the doors to the bar just openend and the first customer through is none other than Blackout Bob. He’s part of the in crowd, though when it comes to drinking hes an outcast. He gets soo piss drunk that he can barely function throughout the night. He’s slurring his words, hitting on ugly girls and may have a piece of clothing already damaged from his walk to the bar. He will most likely pass out around 11:30 when everyone else decides to show up. Now everytime you leave the dance floor you see a guy having a nap on the couches. Wish Bob sweet dreams!
2. Uncomfortably Old Guy – Every bar I have been to this happens. I am not talking about the 35 year old guy at the 25 year old bar. I am talking about the 50 year old guy at the 19 year old bar. He’s dressed either way too well or way to poorly. He posts up, usually by himself and creeps visciously. Everytime I see this guy I think he is here to pick up his daughter, but then after I see him try to lure girls in with his cane, ungroomed beard, or pony tail; I realize hes just the uncomfortably old guy.
3.General A. Grabber – General A. Grabber here reporting for Booty Sir! Ya you read it right, this is the guy at the bar who thinks that grabbing women as they walk by is the best way to pick them up. This guy has balls, but hes also probably got some battle wounds from girls responding negatively to this. Count on this guy to get grabbed by the 300 pound bouncer shortly after he goes on his grabbing spree.
4. You Just Got Served – Everyone is dancing, everything is good….but the night is about to get weird. You Got Served is the guy or girl who thinks that their life is a music video. This person is not a dancer, but god damn it on a friday night at midnight they are! They always try a move that they aren’t really talented enough to do, and it usually results in an epic fail. This person does not use their dance moves to pick up women, they are legitimately lost in their own moves.
5. OMG I got my sisters fake – To quote Chris Rock, “If a girl says she 20 and looks 16, shes 12.” Yes there is uncomfortably old guys at the club, but there is also uncomfortably young girls. These girls all drink vodka cranberrys (I know you’re saying all girls drink that), they are piss drunk early, they dance on the risers, they talk to every guy and the best part…they leave at midnight because they all have to get back to Tina’s house before their parents find out.
6. Birthday Princess/Lost My Phone girl – I was going to make these two seperate people, but after looking at it more I realized that it usually is the girl with the stupid tiara on that turns into the girl who is crying about her lost phone later in the night. I am convinced that some girls just wear tiaras out in hope of attention and free drinks. I thought the whole Tiara thing would fade out after your senior year of ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! It’s okay though because the birthday princess who is caught up in her night, is also the same girl who drinks the most. She ends up crying because she lost her phone, and her dad’s going to kill her blah blah. When you ask where it got stolen from, they usually tell you they put it right out in the open. I have limited sympathy for stupidity at the bar. I once saw a girl crying because it was 2 am….Are you Serious??? You can’t fight time! pick your battles!
7. I have Rhinestones on my shirt…that makes me tough – I find I spend a lot of time making fun of the jersey shore wannabes and I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. You all make it too easy. Not only can you smell this douchebag’s cologne before you get in the club, you get in and he nearly blinds you with all the god damn beads on his shirt. His group of friends resembles some weird jungle kingdom all with different beaded animals allover their shirts. These guys say “bro!” more than you thought was possible. They wear sunglasses in the club, they never fight…but every night they almost do. Guys hate you, Girls hate you, Please don’t come out.
8. I just came to get MO – MO stands for Makeout! These are the people that come to the bar and makeout either with one person way to intensly for a bar setting or they make out with multiple people all over the bar. Kissing at the bar you will see everywhere, though it can get carried away and sometimes I feel like I am watching a soft core porno just inside the smoking section.
9.Sargeant Smoker- People smoke, I get it. This is the person who has to go out to the smoking section every 10 minutes for his next nicotine fix. I don’t want to wait in a line to go hangout outside the bar, while you smoke all night. Buy some nicorette and go meet some girls!
10.The Fighting Couple – Last, but definitely not least. Every group of friends has the couple that continually fights in it. To be honest it’s their business and I don’t really care if they duke it out on the regular. I do care when their fighting is brought to the forefront of everyones night and their drama pours out. They say drunk words are sober thoughts…If this is true then these two shouldn’t be together after the debacle you just witnessed.