I Would Take a Grenade for Ya

I know it has been a while since my last post and I have contemplated changing my name to everyotherweekjordan just for that sake. However, I just got through a hell of a week at school that was finished with a friend’s birthday celebration on thursday. That is when the next topic came to me, “I would take a grenade for ya.” This post is entirely dedicated to the “wingman.” I will break down three categories of wingmen, and then give two stories about arguably the best wingmen that I have ever had. I will not disclose their true names, but for the story’s sake one will be named, “Gomez,” and the other “Nick S.”

The Situation- Every group of friends has one guy like this in it. He continually claims how is he your bro and how he is down to try to help you meet women in the ever so hostile place they call the bar. This is the guy who when you ask for his help in talking to a group of girls he agrees, but then makes it his soul purpose to try to talk to whatever girl you have shown interest in. You should not goto the washroom around this guy, for you are liable to having him tell the group of girls that you are a recently released convict. I heard chicks dig criminals, so maybe that isn’t so bad, but that’s besides the point…. The one and key defining moment that defines “the situation,” is once things start to go sour on his end with whatever girl he is pursuing, he bails. He leaves you in the cold trying to entertain a group of four girls. Now you are no longer talking one on one to a girl, you have officially become one of the girls trying to talk to all four. You lose tonight and all is for not because now the one sober friend of the girls is there to make sure that no one has a good time for the rest of the night. This guy may be a good friend, but he is a horrible wingman.

Goose– If you have not watched top gun, you need to leave this page. Goose is the true definition of a wingman, this is the guy who has your back with whatever you are doing. You can count on him not to bail, even if you find yourselves swordless fighting off dragons. He may not always be happy with the decision that you make, but will do his best to entertain a girls 4 friends while you chat up a pretty lady. He will entertain better than David Blaine if need be, he will pretend to love whatever the girls are saying, and he will talk you up to be bigger than Texas. Goose never asks for the favour to be repaid, he knows the rules of the game and you would do the same for him. Goose deserves a beer…now.

Rambo- This guy has been around more grenades than anyone. It’s who he his, he lives for this shit. He will talk to anyone and anything, he is there for you when duty calls and when it doesn’t. He does most things for the story the next day and he rarely disappoints. He will grind with girls with no teeth and does not care if he looks like an idiot doing it. He’s living, not judging a soul. Though he makes you uncomfortable at times with how comfortable he is with everything, yet he is still a valued wingman. If you strikeout he is probably hitting several home runs beside you by suggesting fine dining establishments such as Wendys or Shwarma king. Hey you can take the man out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the man.

Now about Nick. This guy is the definition of a bro, he bussed from Western to party on my birthday and did not disappoint. Nick is an interesting guy at the bar, he goes from being quick and witty after 3 or 4 drinks to a lisp and complete foolishness after 6 or 7. His favorite line to pick up women, which remarkably hosts a strong success rate is “Hey, wanna make out?” I asked him about this tactic, and he said, “it’s simple really, I ask them and if they say yes then great. If they hesitate then I go for it. This leads to the reward of a slap across the face or a sloppy make out.” Last time we were out at the bar Nick pretended to be a German exchange student and not by choice, that is just how we introduced him to women. Well needless to say Nick found someone who obviously has a thing for german accents. Nick falls in the category of Goose/Rambo depending on how much alcohol he has consumed that evening.

Gomez, you thought I would forget about you? To begin with Gomez is not his real name, though after 5 years of friendship he decided to tell everyone that his real last name was Gomez. Hence, the nick name. Gomez will do anything to ensure that you have success with women. He is not scared to dance battle strangers, put on any accent you ask of, or romance the biggest girl you know, if it leads to your success. Gomez was once at a bar with two of my friends and after helping both throughout the night, the two friends eventually left the bar with lady friends. Now Gomez was not sure where they had gone to, so after making friends with more strangers it was time for him to go home. He went back to one of the friends houses, though he was not sure if the girl had decided to stay the night and this friend was not answering his phone. So what did Gomez do? he Bro’d up and he slept outside on a park bench as not to disturb his friend. Ya he was cold and unhappy about it, but he would do it again if need be.


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