I think I am going to stick to Mario Kart.
There are some people out there who you want to hit. You cannot explain why either, because for the most part these people look relatively normal. Maybe it’s how normal they look that gets to you, I’m not sure. Regardless, some people have punchable faces.
The first punchable face that came to mind was that of Scott Disick (long time boyfriend of Courtney Kardashian). Not only does he look like a huge douche, but he is one. One that I would personally like to punch in the face. A quick glance through google images yourself and I am sure you will come to a similar verdict.
Props on the move pal. However, the score remains: Parkour 0, Electric Box 1.
I would like to start this post by saying, that I have been the drunk idiot in this post on a many occasion.
Girls like super drunk dudes at the bar….
Time is never wasted, when you’re wasted all the time. Though numerous fools are made in the process. Groups of guys all have the same strategy: Get loser-pissed and gain the courage to slur words to women. You are legends…in your own mind. To the rest of the world you are four drunk idiots on a rampage. By the time you and your buddies get to the bar you have all discussed who’s from what town tonight and who’s going to try out their new Australian accent. These ideas were sparked by the alcohol and alcohol only. After entry into the bar, it’s time for Oceans 4 (The clever name you gave your group of friends) to execute. This is where the brilliance in the plan goes to shit. The liquid courage has not made you more smooth, it has made you an idiot. Though you feel like Vinny Chase, you look more like Turtle, and act like Drama. This definitely has all the makings of a lonely night for you and your compadres.
There are certain places that girls don’t want to meet you. Standing outside the girls washroom is not going to work. Neither does offering to hold a girl’s hair while she vomits, or attempting to aid a girl who is crying about a lost phone. The intense look that you use in the mirror when dressing yourself, does not make you look like a stud at the bar. It makes you look like a serial killer. Going out to the dance floor and surprising women who have never met you, with a hug from behind and rapid hip gyrations probably isn’t the best idea. People usually want to see your face before they feel your half chub on their leg.
Drunk You is not witty, and she knows it. Just because you have bigger balls doesn’t make you doctor smooth. You are prone to becoming a bigger asshole as the night progresses and caring less and less about your immediate environment. People are funny in this sense, guys start the night off eyeing up the hottest girl at the bar, though as the night ages they continue to drop their standards. This night of failures combined with beer goggles turns you into a cattle wrangler moving closer and closer towards lassoing an end of the night 10. The total disregard for the rest of the world has you now in a corner sucking face with Jabba the hut. Now you can only wait for the facebook pictures to surface that have you dancing around like you think you are usher. Some say a morning of awkwardness is far greater than a evening of lonliness. I have to beg to differ, mainly due to the fact that I think two people should be able to share a queen size bed comfortably. Having to worry about being hungover is enough, sneaking the 152nd pokemon out of your house without your roommates seeing is just torture….Just to cap it off, She thinks she’s your girlfriend. You are puzzled by this, but it all makes sense. In the midst of you being drunk Casanova you put forward that dating would be an awesome idea. You made your kingsize bed, and now you have to lay in the corner of it.
Charlie Sheen is winning, so why shouldn’t others be too. Thus, from here on out I will have Winner of the Week Wednesdays. Basically this is going to be me posting a video, picture, or news story which focuses on the biggest fool I can find. Today it goes to….
I know it has been a while since my last post and I have contemplated changing my name to everyotherweekjordan just for that sake. However, I just got through a hell of a week at school that was finished with a friend’s birthday celebration on thursday. That is when the next topic came to me, “I would take a grenade for ya.” This post is entirely dedicated to the “wingman.” I will break down three categories of wingmen, and then give two stories about arguably the best wingmen that I have ever had. I will not disclose their true names, but for the story’s sake one will be named, “Gomez,” and the other “Nick S.”
The Situation- Every group of friends has one guy like this in it. He continually claims how is he your bro and how he is down to try to help you meet women in the ever so hostile place they call the bar. This is the guy who when you ask for his help in talking to a group of girls he agrees, but then makes it his soul purpose to try to talk to whatever girl you have shown interest in. You should not goto the washroom around this guy, for you are liable to having him tell the group of girls that you are a recently released convict. I heard chicks dig criminals, so maybe that isn’t so bad, but that’s besides the point…. The one and key defining moment that defines “the situation,” is once things start to go sour on his end with whatever girl he is pursuing, he bails. He leaves you in the cold trying to entertain a group of four girls. Now you are no longer talking one on one to a girl, you have officially become one of the girls trying to talk to all four. You lose tonight and all is for not because now the one sober friend of the girls is there to make sure that no one has a good time for the rest of the night. This guy may be a good friend, but he is a horrible wingman.
Goose– If you have not watched top gun, you need to leave this page. Goose is the true definition of a wingman, this is the guy who has your back with whatever you are doing. You can count on him not to bail, even if you find yourselves swordless fighting off dragons. He may not always be happy with the decision that you make, but will do his best to entertain a girls 4 friends while you chat up a pretty lady. He will entertain better than David Blaine if need be, he will pretend to love whatever the girls are saying, and he will talk you up to be bigger than Texas. Goose never asks for the favour to be repaid, he knows the rules of the game and you would do the same for him. Goose deserves a beer…now.
Rambo- This guy has been around more grenades than anyone. It’s who he his, he lives for this shit. He will talk to anyone and anything, he is there for you when duty calls and when it doesn’t. He does most things for the story the next day and he rarely disappoints. He will grind with girls with no teeth and does not care if he looks like an idiot doing it. He’s living, not judging a soul. Though he makes you uncomfortable at times with how comfortable he is with everything, yet he is still a valued wingman. If you strikeout he is probably hitting several home runs beside you by suggesting fine dining establishments such as Wendys or Shwarma king. Hey you can take the man out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the man.
Now about Nick. This guy is the definition of a bro, he bussed from Western to party on my birthday and did not disappoint. Nick is an interesting guy at the bar, he goes from being quick and witty after 3 or 4 drinks to a lisp and complete foolishness after 6 or 7. His favorite line to pick up women, which remarkably hosts a strong success rate is “Hey, wanna make out?” I asked him about this tactic, and he said, “it’s simple really, I ask them and if they say yes then great. If they hesitate then I go for it. This leads to the reward of a slap across the face or a sloppy make out.” Last time we were out at the bar Nick pretended to be a German exchange student and not by choice, that is just how we introduced him to women. Well needless to say Nick found someone who obviously has a thing for german accents. Nick falls in the category of Goose/Rambo depending on how much alcohol he has consumed that evening.
Gomez, you thought I would forget about you? To begin with Gomez is not his real name, though after 5 years of friendship he decided to tell everyone that his real last name was Gomez. Hence, the nick name. Gomez will do anything to ensure that you have success with women. He is not scared to dance battle strangers, put on any accent you ask of, or romance the biggest girl you know, if it leads to your success. Gomez was once at a bar with two of my friends and after helping both throughout the night, the two friends eventually left the bar with lady friends. Now Gomez was not sure where they had gone to, so after making friends with more strangers it was time for him to go home. He went back to one of the friends houses, though he was not sure if the girl had decided to stay the night and this friend was not answering his phone. So what did Gomez do? he Bro’d up and he slept outside on a park bench as not to disturb his friend. Ya he was cold and unhappy about it, but he would do it again if need be.